Men Without Hats

 

“You can see inside me, will you come inside me, do you wanna ride, inside my love?”

Minnie Ripperton, Inside My Love

 

There are few things I love more about sex than going bareback with a partner, and until I met John, it’s not something I’d ever really done before. Having come of age in the 80s and 90s, the practice of safe sex was drilled in to me – “The J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, the J, the I, the M, it’s Jimmy!” was a song I heard almost daily in high school, KRS One and his crew rhythmically encouraging us all to engage in safe sex. Condom use was a given – not ever a question, whether I was on the pill or not, whether I was with a partner of many years or a brand new one; the guy I was with was going to wear a jimmy hat. That’s it.

And then I turned 40, and had my whole sexual awakening thing, and started fucking guys 10, 15, 20 years older than me – men who came of age in a decidedly different time, where the worst thing you could catch was the clap or a pregnancy – both easily treatable conditions in the 1970s. These men were willing to use condoms with me since they had to – but preferred nothing at all, and told me as much. This was an entirely new concept for me to consider.

And so, after 20 years of fucking, I have discovered something new about myself – my vagina is not exactly the self-cleaning machine it is commonly expected to be. Unlike in porn movies, where a woman gets a big cumload inside her and it oozes back out, all slow and sexy – once a guy cums inside me, it settles in and stays. Gets real comfy. Languishes. As all women know, anything that stays in the vagina for too long starts to become…fragrant. Not like the botanical gardens after a July thunderstorm fragrant, more like your local supermarket’s meat counter in July fragrant. Not *quite* right.

While I acknowledge that there’s something sexy about natural smells (my number one favorite is to sniff  John’s underarms after he gets home from a day’s work), the smell emitting from my vagina a couple days after it’s been jizzed in is not cute. I am not here for it. I’ve talked to friends, lovers, and consulted the great minds of Google about this, and they’ve all assured me that I am fine, that my vagina is perfectly fine. I’ve gone to the gynecologist, 100% convinced that I will be diagnosed with BV and they tell me no, I’m perfectly fine. My friend Kelsey assures me that men like the smell.  She says I’m perfectly fine. My husband and lovers have told me that they, in fact, sometimes want me unwashed, that they like me ‘dirty’.  I oblige, because I’m a team player, but still I am not entirely convinced that its a good idea.

I drink a lot of water, take my 50 billion strength acidophilus capsules daily, wash with unscented soap, and still, I feel like there’s something more I can do on those post-coital days. One of my favorite doctors, Roxane Fiscella , once told me that occasional douching was ok. “Our mothers and grandmothers did it”, she reminded me, and said that using something gentle like vinegar and water, or even just plain water, is fine every once in a while to rinse with. I have always found Dr. Fiscella to be the comforting voice of reason.

And so, friends, my number one recommendation for cleaning out the cummiest of vaginas is a little miracle potion called YeastGard  – I don’t remember exactly how or when I found it, but I’ve been using it for years and I love it. YeastGard makes a number of products, but the one I’ve found to be most effective is the douche. You can’t find it at most drugstores – I’ve only ever seen it at CVS (standalone CVS stores, they don’t have it at the Target satellite pharmacies), and recently I discovered I can have it shipped to my door via Amazon.  It is a homeopathic formula in a probiotic base (according to the packaging), and although it is marketed as relief for the itching and burning associated with yeast infections, I find it to be an excellent cummy pussy rinse. Completely neutralizes the Ph of my vagina and rids me of all evidence of the previous days’ activities.

**DISCLAIMER**  – I am not a doctor, and I am only sharing what works for me. If you have concerns about your genital health (guys, I’m talking to you too), please seek the professional advice of a licensed clinician. And whether you are concerned or not, please see a doctor annually for a general check up. Early detection is the best prevention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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